how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
