My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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