You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
