3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
