How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Randomize
