I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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