Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Randomize
