So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
