She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
