sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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