I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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