You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
