Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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