Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
