dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
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