I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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