I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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