I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
