Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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