Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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