My hand turned me down
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
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