Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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