White coat. Heels.
Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
