i jhust puked up my retainher.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
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