Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
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