He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
