Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
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