i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
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