there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
