Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
