We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
