her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Me. At least after what I've been through.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
