I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
