I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
