he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
