Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I love you. Go after that dick
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