Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
