Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
