I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Randomize
