All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
