My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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