Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
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