A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
