i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
