Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
