I haven't been this sober since birth.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
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