hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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