So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
