Your face is a jimmy john
I am puke
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
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