i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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